I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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