dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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