Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
