This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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