my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
