I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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