This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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