i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
