i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
