Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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