dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
