FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
