1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
