I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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