actually, I'm a sock model
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
