tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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