WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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