You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
