yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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