I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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