Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
