Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
