i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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