just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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