I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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