I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
