A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
