He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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