Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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