There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
