I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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