i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
