My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
