I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
