I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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