I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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