if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
