I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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