well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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