who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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