My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
