You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
