I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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