I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
