woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
