help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize