can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
