So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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