I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize