Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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