Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you inspire me to be a worse person
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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