I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
