The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
