So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
