I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
