So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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