haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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