Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize