if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
