I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
