mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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