Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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