I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
