you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
