ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
