She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
