He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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