Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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