Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I need a beard to bite.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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