NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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