Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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