between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
