I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
